A leader in my Bible study group has just become a widow. Her husband died Monday morning. I was encouraged to see so many have written on her Facebook wall. Words they are praying for her. Words of sorrow. There are probably thousands praying for dear Sarah and her boys–and they need them. Yesterday, on a live stream, we watched her husband’s memorial service. It was beautiful and Sarah spoke eloquently about those who helped her family during her husband’s battle with ALS. I’m sure it was a highlight and uplifting for the family to hear tributes, be with those who mourned and loved their dad and husband.

That was yesterday. Today is the day after the memorial service. My two late husbands had beautiful services and I was uplifted by them, but there were many, many lonely, tearful nights afterward–for months and months. This is my advice for Sarah:

I keep journals and have most of my adult life. Usually my journals are active when there is turmoil and angst present in my life–I’m quiet during the happy times. I found a journal from April, 2006, the entry now nearly fifteen years old. I am sharing this to let those who are in deep grief know that the stark sadness will pass, although there is work in getting through that sadness. Here’s a small sample of my thoughts those fourteen+ years now. I titled it, “Financial Challenges”:

It has been something new. I always paid the bills, but he brought the main paycheck in. I had to sell the truck. Pay for the funeral, plan for large expenses in the future such as roof replacement, painting the house. I was told two weeks after Bill died that my job would end in June (he died February 3, 2006) because they were closing my school campus. I was forced out of the warm cocoon of my familiar job of fifteen years into something else. But God provided that with a job at Columbia Machine. There I was provided with good pay and benefits. I am so thankful. 

Now, here I am a homeowner where things can go wrong. Such as the dishwasher on Christmas Day. The stove on St. Patrick’s Day, the plumbing sprang a leak. But God provided me with a son and son-in-law who help me. I am grateful. The answers to prayer are marvelous to see!

Now instead of talking things over with Bill, I have to decide myself. It’s ok. I can do it. But I’d rather it wasn’t this way. 

The next entry takes place five years later, one year after my second husband, Blair passed into eternity:

When does this choking, wretched sadness leave? I think I’m better then I write this glorious piece–so I think and feel better. Now I’m down again. Down and lonely. I hate this aloneness I’m experiencing. Lord, I need you to lift me up. I can’t gin it up and hope it happens. Oh Lord, I just have to rest in You and trust You’re allowing my circumstances for a purpose.

The main purpose I can see for having gone through the loss of two husbands in a four year period would be the depth of love and compassion I felt from my Blessed Comforter. Those losses brought me to my knees and to look Up to my Savior to bring comfort and joy. He was there. Many of the Scripture verses that helped me were in the Psalms:

You have collected all my tears in Your bottle. You have recorded each one in Your book (Psalm 56:8 NLT).

During the lonely nights, I loved this:

By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me–a prayer to the God of my life (Psalm 42:8 NIV).

And when I think I wouldn’t recover:

The Lord heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (Psalm 147:3 NIV).

Widows and widowers, do you feel like I did those years ago? It will pass, I promise you. There is grief work that must be done, however. Don’t simply let time pass and think you will feel better. It isn’t just time, there’s more. I highly recommend journaling. Even more things. I’ll talk about it more next time.If you haven’t read our book on remarriage, the topic of properly grieving is covered. Before you ever consider remarrying, you must work through your grief. You can order the book through Amazon, and if you’d like an autographed book, order here (I think we give a better price, too and free shipping).

Second Chance at Love

And for those who are grieving the loss of a father, mother, brother, sister, friend, those verses apply to you as well. People told me to ‘hang in there’ and sometimes I didn’t like them saying that, but it’s true so I’ll say it to you who are grieving: “Hang in there.”