June is traditionally wedding month. I’ve noticed a flurry of posts about celebration of anniversaries on Facebook this month. My granddaughter Sarah and her now husband, Russell, were married last week. At her bridal shower, I was asked to give some “pearls of wisdom.” Here are some of the thoughts I shared last week.

There are four things I wished I’d known before I got married.

One: There is grief. I was surprised after all the preparation for the wedding when I was nineteen years old that I’d be sad. Sad? I’d just walked down the aisle with a dreamboat of a man who was now my husband. I’d counted the days until we said “I do.” Sad? But I was. There was a let-down after all the preparation of the wedding. The dress. The going away dress–they did that in the sixties. The bridesmaids. Their dresses. The wedding cake. The guests. The groom’s cake.The flowers.  So many items to prepare and plan. And then. Just like that, it was over. And I was sad! Oh, the sadness dispersed quickly, but throughout my honeymoon, there were flashes of wistful longing and I didn’t understand it. Later, I learned to be sad and grieve after a long-anticipated event is a normal occurrence. In marriage, it’s saying goodbye to a former way of life to entering a new life.

In my first marriage, I really experienced grief. Quite honestly, in my succeeding two marriages, I didn’t experience that grief. I can’t say why, but that was my experience.

Two: Communication is another important aspect of marriage. It is vital.

I’ve been widowed twice and married three times, but most of what I learned about marriage came during my first marriage to my husband, Bill, the father of my children and grandfather to my grands. 

It took 22 years for Bill & I to learn to communicate well.  We took a communication class after 20-some years of arguing, fighting, and near-divorce. We’d seen several marriage counselors and they recommended one last thing that might help. A communication class. Communicate save a marriage?  Sounds too simple, doesn’t it? But it was the ticket.

We learned to stop being “married singles.” We began to do things together. Not just his hobbies and my hobbies—or ministries—done separately, but together. That’s when we began climbing mountains, backpacking, and doing things together. It united us in one purpose and drew us closer together instead of living two separate lives almost like room mates.

Dating again. We began incorporating dates for just the two of us. We didn’t have to spend a lot of money. Sometimes it was out for a cup of coffee by ourselves. Sometimes dinner. Sometimes just a walk after dinner to chat with each other about what our day was like.

Listen. We learned to listen. First, let the other person say what the problem was. Then the listener repeats what they heard. If it wasn’t correct, the speaker would repeat—in a calm voice—what they wanted to say. And the listener again repeated what they heard. We were instructed to keep repeating the process until there was understanding. It sounds so simple and yet, it is profound. It saved our marriage. I learned to trust Bill with my true feelings—and that was hard, because I didn’t want him to get mad at me, or think my feelings were wrong. Honestly express those true feelings. We often expect the other person to read our minds. I remember one counselor who said in his own marriage–and they were both marriage counselors–that 80% of the time, when they tried to read their partner’s mind–they read it incorrectly. We can’t expect our partner to communicate through reading their partner’s mind. Those three things in communication: keep dating after the wedding day, listen and repeat what we heard the other say, and honesty in our feelings made a huge difference in our marriage. After years of struggling and arguing, we learned to enjoy each others’ company. Truly. Not just mustering up our feelings because we didn’t want to divorce.

There are two more, but I’ll save those for next time. Perhaps you are no longer married and you wonder why you even need to read these tips. Marriage is a picture of life itself. We still interact with people. Our families. Our church family. Our neighbors.

I like this passage in Hebrews:

 Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage (Hebrews 4:13a NLT).

Stay tuned for the final two tips I wished I’d known so many years ago now when I got married.

What are some pearls of wisdom you might share with your children or grandchildren? I’d love to hear them.