Someone in my family has died. He was loved very much by his wife. They had joyously found each other later in life. Both had careers and had now retired to enjoy their life away from the big city, to a quieter place. They were happy and content with only each other. And then, cancer struck and now Lee is gone.

Everyone grieves differently. I can give advice as to how I grieved, but each person does grief differently. It is their grief. No one else had the relationship they had with that loved one who has died. I can walk through with someone when they’re grieving, but really, the walk is a solitary one. Here are some things I’ve learned about grief.

  • Find a listener. I found GriefShare  to be very helpful. Perhaps you can share with a family member, best friend, a colleague who has lost a loved one in the past, a pastor/clergy, grief counselor, or other professional.
  • Call a special friend who is available by phone. Keep the number handy.
  • Do something physical with your loved one’s possessions, such as drinking from their favorite mug, carry a picture of them–or you two. For a long time, I carried the photo of the happy moment when Blair, my second husband and I were leaving the church after getting married. It reminded me of happy times.
  • Make a memory box. Put the obituary from the newspaper–or entire newspaper it appeared, keep the funeral bulletin, a recording of the service,  cards and notes from friends and family. Keep them to look back on them. Sometimes, they are more helpful later. Collect keepsakes and save them in this box.
  • Keep a journal. A special notebook. Put a date (and year) on your writings. I sometimes wrote to my loved one. Mostly I wrote to God. He understood best.
  • Read. I couldn’t focus on novels when I was in the middle of grief. The Non-fiction books were most helpful. I enjoyed reading biographies, personal stories of people’s faith. Mostly,  the Bible. I listened to sermons. Certain music spoke to me. I particularly listened to one CD in my car and nothing else. After many months, I didn’t need to listen to it any longer.
  • At bedtime, keep a notebook by your bed and write something you are thankful for.

Grieving is a long term task. It is difficult, but can be rich in many ways. For you, my dear niece Diana, you are just beginning the task of grief. You are in the autumn–by the calendar, and in your grief. You will slog through this season, the season of winter. But then, spring will come. And then summer.

I read just yesterday–in a devotional–this thought. During Jesus’ time on earth, many followed him. He chose twelve disciples. Three of those disciples saw the transfiguration (where Jesus revealed his true glory and presence on the mountain) and one laid his head on Jesus’ shoulder (John 13:22-25).

Here’s the good part. Jesus’ shoulder is available to you, dear grieving friend. He is there.

And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age (Matthew 28:20b NLT).