A few weeks ago, I promised a synopsis of the final chapter of our recent book, Second Chance at Love: Navigating the Path to Remarriage. The first eleven chapters are for those who are widowed or divorced after a long term marriage and are wanting to marry again. 

The final chapter is for those who are married. Though we are not marriage counselors, we do speak from experience. Eighty six years! With Jim’s thirty-seven, and my forty-two, adding our nearly seven years of marriage brings it up to a total of eighty six.

Let’s review the first of eight positive actions to make your marriage the best it can be. The first was to pray together. Now we’ll look at number two:  Communicate.

Both of us have benefited from our previous marriages. It took years in my marriage to Bill for us to learn to communicate. We struggled for twenty years, went to counseling and, after months of counseling, attended a couples communication class recommended by the counselor. I honestly didn’t think anything would help because counseling so far had not made a dent in our struggling marriage, but this class did the trick.

Weekly, we were given tools to communicate. We read books and discussed them. We learned to listen carefully during conflict without interrupting. When the other person finished talking, instead of being defensive, we listened and repeated back what we heard. If we didn’t hear it correctly, it was said again. We learned to be more honest—even if it hurt—while communicating our feelings in a respectful way. The honesty was freeing.

Bill’s anger could make it hard for him to communicate. He learned to say, “I’m angry right now. Please let me sort this out. Then we can set a time to talk.”

Early in my marriage, I had read a lot of books that told me I was the one who needed to change. They advised me to “give in,” “let him have his way,” or “submit.” True: I needed to change. But changing how I interacted with Bill made the most powerful difference.

I read, “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline” (2 Timothy 1:7 NIV). I asked the Holy Spirit to give me the strength not to fear Bill’s reactions

One afternoon, Bill came in the door with a frown on his face. “Hi, honey,” I said, trying to sound cheerful. I attempted to greet him with a hug and kiss, but he stomped past and pushed me away.

“Just leave me alone,” he growled.

Instead of responding as usual and thinking I’d done something to offend him, I decided to confront his anger. What’s the worst thing that can happen? I took a deep breath and said in a calm voice, not sarcastic or angry, “Look, I’m not sure what’s going on here, but I’m not going to take on your anger. You might have good reason to feel this way, but I know it isn’t me.” I left the room and started dinner.

A while later he stepped into the kitchen. “I’m not upset with you. It’s something that happened at work. I’m really ticked—I’m going for a hike.” He closed the door behind him, no longer as angry as he had been minutes earlier. My challenge to him had helped both of us. Though I had wanted to “fix” his feelings, I learned to give him space to work them out himself.

That communication class was the last marriage counseling class or session we ever attended. I can honestly say our marriage improved by eighty percent after taking the class and the last twenty years of our marriage were full of joy and greater commitment to each other.

It is important to communicate regularly. Don’t let things build up if something is bothering you.

Below are the rules Jim and I use to communicate:

  • Keep voices level.
  • If your partner is confronting you about something, repeat what they said. Keep the statement and repeat cycle going until both parties understand.
  • Don’t wait until you become really upset about something—or apologize right away if you know you spoke with sarcasm or angry voice.
  • Keep the communication open by not getting defensive.
  • Avoid the words “always” and “never.”

It’s freeing to be able to communicate honestly with your marriage partner. What if you aren’t married and you don’t ever plan to marry? Do you live with a house mate? Do you interact with other people? The above rules work for all kinds of interactions with others.

We believe God intended for marriage to be as close to perfection as it can be on earth. I pray these tips will benefit your marriage, or close relationships.

Next week, we’ll discuss number three: Keep short accounts.