January. The days were dark that January of 2006 and January of 2010. The day when I said final goodbyes to Bill Rudberg and four years later, Blair Graybill. There were difficult memories of those days, but since that time, I worked through my grief and came out on the other side. Today, I’d like to share some of my memories–beloved ones–from each of them:

My first husband Bill didn’t like being asked “How are you?” after he found out he had a chronic illness. He’d rather they ask him what he was doing that was exciting or new.

My son wrote the following about his father:

My dad had many interests throughout his life. Racing cars and motorcycles, advanced ratings in aviation, commercial fishing, hunting, mountaineering and rock climbing were among the activities he pursued with vigor while alive. Not only did he pursue them, he was an expert in each…my dad would share his experiences and knowledge with others by leading them on trips so that they could enjoy a taste of the experience or by instructing them with great care so that they could be leaders themselves. He was an excellent instructor.

Although fairly quiet throughout his life about his faith in Christ my dad ran out of time to quietly lead by example…During his last week, never complaining, he purposefully dominated his circumstances to ensure those around him in his last days would take notice of his faith in Christ.  I do not know how he did it.  I am aware that the person he wanted to impress the most with his actions of the last week was me.  I am humbled by this man and his sacrifice.  I cannot ignore his statement and will endeavor to understand his faith.  It is only now that I realize that his finest work was the last 20 years of perfecting his faith and then instructing by example what it takes to be a real man.  https://www.redemption-press.com/shop/second-chances-2/

There is so much more that could be said, but I’ll save it for another time.

When I met my second husband, Blair, we quickly knew we were right for each other. I appreciated his passion for history. He constantly studied and taught. American history was his favorite to teach in his high school classrooms. The first time I saw his home, he proudly showed me mementos he’d collected from the Civil War.

As I walked into Blair’s home that late sunny Sunday afternoon, Blair proudly showed me around the light filled living room. As we walked up the open staircase he showed and explained the pictures of Civil War plantations, replicas of cannons, guns, ammunition, including real cannon balls from West Virginia. I loved it that he was passionate about the Civil War, had such strong beliefs, and expressed them so eloquently. https://www.redemption-press.com/shop/second-chances-2/

There’s so much more I could say about Blair. He was a witty conversationalist. He loved his family. He loved and was proud of  his two sons. On our first dinner date, he unashamedly bowed his head and prayed a blessing for the food. He told me how he turned to the Savior for comfort and help after his wife died. We freely shared the memories and loss of our previous mates.

It’s true, January is full of memories from the past. And though I look back and am saddened by the great losses I experienced in the month of January, I also have treasured memories. There were forty years with Bill. Two years with Blair. I’m grateful for both men. They loved their families. They loved their children. They loved life. They loved their Savior. And they loved me. The best part? I’ll see them again one day, when I leave the bonds of earth.

If you are grieving the loss of a loved one and you think the terrible hurt will never leave you, I hope you take heart from me. It will get better. One day, you will look back and not be as sad as you are now. You’ll be grateful for the memories. Beloved memories.

I’m in a new place now. I love my past, but I love my now, too. If you are grieving,  I hope you will be able to say that one day, too.

Remember, it is winter now–in your grief and in this season. But soon….it will be spring.