When life is sweet, say thank you and celebrate. And when life is bitter, say thank you and grow. Shauna Niequist, author.

I’ve been reading Job this week. What trials he suffered! First, he lost most of his possessions. Then all of his children were killed. Finally, his health was compromised–with boils all over his body. His wife was so broken she told him to curse God and die. In spite of all of this, Job didn’t curse God, but he did ask why.

Then Job’s friends came to console him. For seven days, they came alongside him and didn’t say a word. Later, they talked and tried to convince Job he’d done something wrong. It’s too bad they talked because their words were not helpful.

When helping someone who is grieving, just come alongside them. Don’t try to give words of wisdom. The griever just needs someone to be with them.

Here’s what I’ve learned when grieving, through my own experience as well as observing and working with others who grieve:

♥We need your presence. Just be there with us.

♥Instead of asking if there’s something we need, look around and see if there’s something you can do that is obvious. Sweep the floor. Do some laundry. Wash the dirty dishes.

♥Let us weep. Tears are what is necessary. Offer us your shoulder. Hug us.

♥Bring something to do with your hands as you wait with us. One of my friends just sat with me, knitting. No words, just her presence.

♥Bring food. Comfort food is always welcome.  Perhaps breakfast food such as a baked oatmeal casserole for breakfast, a plate of sandwiches for extra family who might be there.

♥Bring some yard tools and work outside. My yard was full of fir branches that needed to be raked up and disposed of. My niece and nephew came over and took care of it. It was early spring, and my niece brought primroses and planted them in the front flower bed. It brought cheer to those coming to my door. Another nephew came over and detailed my car. All helpful chores I couldn’t do at the time.

♥If you are afraid to talk to the griever, then pray for them–silently while you’re with them, and later on when you’re not.  We need it and often, we can’t pray.

♥Be there for us weeks after the funeral. We need you now more than ever. Most likely, we were numb with the pain and now, are waking up and need a friend.

♥Say the deceased one’s name. We want to hear that you miss them and their name is a reminder of our loss, and yet is comforting.

What I most often need is someone to sit with me quietly, in the pain, without a formula for my grief.

What do you do when you are crushed by grief? What has helped you when you’ve experienced loss? What did not help?

“Lord, please help me trust you in the pain–or through a loved one’s pain. Bring peace to me and them. In spite of the pain, I praise your name. Amen.”

A year ago, my Jim was very ill with an infection in his back. He told me he listened to a song over and over that really comforted him–“He Will Hold Me Fast.” Here it is below.

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