Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchman stand guard in vain, in vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat—for he grants sleep to those he loves (Psalms 127:1-2 NIV).

Today marks the day when ten years ago, Jim asked if I’d like to see the Grotto in Portland. I hadn’t ever been there, so I was interested in seeing the spiritual garden sanctuary. There, in front of a statue of Christ, carrying a cross, Jim got down on his knees, with a tiny box in his hand, looked up, and said, “Shirley Quiring Rudberg Graybill, will you marry me?” 

I was surprised at his question, yet I knew instinctively this was right and I could confidently answer “yes” to his question. 

This time, I’d left the timing of meeting another man up to God instead of seeking for companionship. After a disastrous engagement, the humiliating break up five weeks before the wedding date, I learned something. I realized I was trying to make something happen to take away the misery of grief. Sometimes grief takes a certain amount of time. But in that time frame of grief, I’m might be toiling away to get out of the pain by seeking another companion. I realized I was “laboring in vain.” 

Yes, I prayed that God would bring the right man into my life, but I also needed to learn my sufficiency and happiness didn’t depend on another man or husband, but God Himself! Instead of seeking to get out of my pain of loss and loneliness, I turned to God. I confessed I was seeking something I already had–my relationship with God. I pondered the question, “what if I remained single the remainder of my life?”

I came to the conclusion that it would be all right. There are the temporal things. Finances. Location near family. Finding new interests that were my own, and not necessarily of my spouse’s.

I had just finished writing my first book, and found I enjoyed my new avocation. I would pursue that and move forward as though my future would be me and God.  I stopped looking for something or someone to make my life better and just accepted my life the way it was. 

After about a year, I felt confident I could try a matching site again. This time, when I would meet someone, I invited God to go on the date with me. That might sound odd, but that’s exactly what I did.  Most of the time, I knew this person wouldn’t be right after the first meeting. Sometimes, I was tempted by their personality, but their spiritual history didn’t match mine.

I prayed as I contemplated joining a different matching site, one that cost a little more. In my morning prayer time, I wrote, “Lord, if this doesn’t work, You will have to drop him in my lap.” I paid for a six month package, answered the multiple personality questions, and then waited. After two weeks, one guy showed up. He seemed to say the right things. His Christian faith seemed genuine. His family relationships were sound. He was the right age (three years younger than me), and didn’t live that far away. 

That man—Jim—was going through his own personal faith struggle in finding another mate. He’d been engaged to the wrong person, too. He, too, wanted the pain of loss to go away and got himself engaged thinking that would take the pain away. It didn’t. She was the wrong person.

Then he joined the same website I did and I showed up on his matches. We exchanged the contrived questions the matching site provided and then being the man who moves forward when he decides something is right, gave me a call and asked for a date to meet for coffee! I accepted. At that coffee date, we talked non-stop for two hours—and we haven’t stopped talking and listening to each other since.

That was nine days and ten years ago. We always return, if we’re home, to the same coffee place to celebrate that momentous date. If we’re away, we find another coffee shop to celebrate.

Celebrating four years of our first date. This year in Wisconsin.

A lot happened in the next week  and I won’t go into all of the details, but on a foggy day on September 13, on bended knee, he asked the question. And without a doubt, I said yes. 

Front of our wedding program. Engagement photo.

When we married three months later, we both worried our joy might be cut short by death. It had happened to me when five years earlier I married a second time. Our time together was only seventeen months. But, we both began to realize we needed to accept the joy for whatever length of time God would give us. It has been ten years! We are blessed and believe me when I say I don’t take this gift for granted. What makes the difference? We give each day we are given back to God. We ask Him to be in our day. In our life. We give thanks for the time we have together to serve God, through our facilitating grieving people, for serving in other endeavors, in my writing which Jim supports and listens to nearly everything I write.

Is our marriage perfect? About as much as in this life is perfect, yes. 

So on this day, September 13, 2023 ( I wrote this two days ago, if you’re paying attention to the day), ten years since Jim popped the question, we celebrate! God is good and whatever time we have left together, we will give thanks. We ask the LORD to “watch the city” our marriage. We give our time on this earth to Him. And we are grateful. 

“Lord, I pray for that person who is grieving the loss of a spouse. They miss their loved one so much. Please help them to put their hope and trust in You as they work through their grief. Help them wait until You have healed their broken heart. Be near to them. Help them put their trust in You. 

I am so grateful You brought Jim into my life, but I also thank You that my grieving heart was healed through my relationship with You and not another person. Thank You for Your love and keeping me safe from a wrong relationship. You are good and I am grateful You brought us together.

In Your strong name, Jesus, Amen.”

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