We traditionally associate grief with death. Sooner or later, everyone must face the loss of a loved one. But I’ve learned there is another source of grief—not involving death—that can be so unsettling that it turns your entire world upside down.
Thirty-three years ago, the arrival of a tiny infant demolished my carefully constructed expectations.
“It looks like your baby has Down syndrome.”
In one split second, that pronouncement from the doctor shook my world, yet the implications have taken years to sink in. In fact, I’m still realizing them today.
In the nine months before Alyssa was born, I studied the baby book named, appropriately, What to Expect When You’re Expecting. Guess what? My pregnancy more or less fell in line with what the author said to expect. I also garnered wisdom from more experienced moms. They recounted all the gory details of their birth experiences, including water breaking, hours of labor, episiotomies, epidurals, pushing, C-sections, husbands fainting, Apgar scores, and more.
All the dramas ended the same—a healthy, happy baby. No one I knew had ever received a diagnosis more serious than a couple days of jaundice.
I figured my birthing details may vary, but I expected the same result.
Though prospective parents don’t think much about it, they expect a great deal more than a happy and healthy baby. One day their child will walk and talk. They already envision the first day of school, sports, dance, or perhaps playing a musical instrument. Out in the future, of course, their child will graduate from high school, maybe study at college, and then begin a satisfying career. Naturally, marriage will follow. While the thought of grandchildren doesn’t float to the surface until much later, that seed of expectation also lies buried in the hearts of new parents.
In fact, most of these expectations are never considered, much less voiced, when the only evidence of your baby is a swelling stomach, morning sickness, and the occasional tiny toes prodding the kidneys. Nevertheless, they lie below the surface much like the bulk of an iceberg lies unseen beneath frigid ocean waters.
Lessons from the Titanic
I hesitate to compare my child’s birth to the Titanic hitting an iceberg, but I find four valuable parallels. The comparison is actually more about my expectations crashing into reality than about Alyssa herself.
(Please note that Alyssa would be tickled with my comparisons as she was once obsessed with everything Titanic.)
- The collision came without warning.
While it didn’t turn out so well for the occupants of the ocean liner, I happen to think little to no warning of changed expectations is a good thing. Why should we spend our emotional energy worrying about something that might not happen? Worry will surely steal the joy from the present moment.
We should, however, always acknowledge the Lord’s sovereign control of every aspect of our lives and hold our expectations loosely.
What you ought to say is, “If the Lord wants us to, we will live and do this or that.” (James 4:15 NLT)
- The crash dramatically changed the course of lives.
The Titanic catastrophe left no one unscathed. Some died. Some lost loved ones. All lived life colored by the trauma. We’ve all experienced a relatively mild intrusion of reality on our expectations, but sometimes the collision takes on epic proportions. Nothing in life remains the same. We suspect the very foundation on which to rebuild has been obliterated.
We cannot let our feelings about changed expectations control us. Our foundation should be eternal God, and we can always build on the bedrock of His unchanging character.
“I am the Lord, and I do not change. That is why you descendants of Jacob are not already destroyed. (Malachi 3:6 NLT)
(If you have not yet placed your faith in God through Jesus, please click Steps to Peace with God to learn more.)
Here’s the link in case you need to add it again: https://annieyorty.com/steps-to-peace-with-god/
- There were casualties.
More than 1,500 people died on that fateful April day in 1912. Changed expectations also produce casualties. Sometimes a dream completely dies. Other times, a plan must be reconfigured.
Consider Job’s situation. In one fell swoop, he lost all his livestock, sheep, camels, farm hands, shepherds, and servants. Every one of his children also died on the same day. When he woke up that morning, he had been rich in property and blessed with many children. By sundown, all he had was a wife, and she didn’t seem to bring much consolation. We can learn from his response to significant loss.
He said, “I came naked from my mother’s womb, and I will be naked when I leave. The Lord gave me what I had, and the Lord has taken it away. Praise the name of the Lord!” (Job 1:21 NLT)
- There were survivors.
Miraculously, a third of the passengers and crew from the Titanic were fished out of the ocean after the run-in with the iceberg. We, too, may unearth dreams that survived the pummeling of reality. Better yet, God always sprouts new and improved opportunities from the wreckage. If we raise our eyes and look around, we will perceive God inviting us to receive more and more of Him in every situation.
For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland. (Isaiah 43:19 NLT)
Redemption from the Rubble
The details of your story probably differ from mine, but God uses every kind of grief in our lives to conform us to His character and prepare us for life in eternity. Inevitably, our expectations get beat up in the process. Though I’ve been buffeted by radically changed expectations, I can attest to the goodness of God in the process. You can read more about how God used Alyssa for His glory in my upcoming book, Journey from Ignorance to Bliss: God’s Heart Revealed Through Down Syndrome. Click the link to learn about the book and sign up to receive notifications of its progress.
God knows best which of your expectations need to be adjusted and which need to be replaced. In the process, I hope we never get tired of hearing and believing God’s promise to bring good out of difficulties.
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. (Romans 8:28 NLT)
Join the conversation:
How has God used a collision of your expectations and reality to increase your trust in Him?
I welcome your comments!
Meet Annie
Annie Yorty, wife, mother, writer, and speaker, extends hope and encouragement to those living through difficult situations. God has gifted her with a variety of twists and turns in life where she’s had no choice but to fully rely on His person, presence, provision, and purpose.
Centered and dependent on her heavenly Advocate, Annie Yorty finds daily purpose and passion by advocating for God and others as His ambassador.
The task of advocacy was thrust upon Annie with the birth of her first child, who has Down syndrome. In it, she finds joy in helping others discover their true needs and find sources of support and hope. She applies this calling to many interests including parenting, disability support, global missions, homeschooling, Bible teaching, Multiple Sclerosis awareness, and mentoring.
As an author and speaker, Annie has taught and inspired audiences across four continents from Argentina to Siberia. She writes a weekly blog, Perceive God, which is published at her website. Please visit and sign up for occasional notifications and receive a free journal page to help you to recognize and record how God is working in your daily circumstances.
Website link: https://annieyorty.com/
Sign up link: https://landing.mailerlite.com/webforms/landing/j1x0f7
In addition to writing a blog at her website, Annie is a Crosswalk contributing writer. Her Bible studies, devotions, and Christian living articles may also be found on other blogs, online magazines, in print, and in several book compilations.
Crosswalk link: https://www.crosswalk.com/author/annie-yorty/
In 2023, Elk Lake Publishing will release Annie’s first book, Journey from Ignorance to Bliss: God’s Heart Revealed Through Down Syndrome, which offers surprising inspiration and hope Annie gained through parenting a child with Down syndrome.
Here’s the book link: https://annieyorty.com/books/
A lifelong learner, Annie regularly seeks new and eclectic challenges. She gravitates toward anything crafty or creative. Sporadically, she works at learning to play the piano and ukulele. Always open to travel adventure, Annie helps organize mission teams that share God’s love around the world. She wishes she had more time to read, crochet, and practice Russian. Her furry beast (aka labradoodle) would like her to spend more time teaching him new tricks.
Annie lives in Pennsylvania with her high school sweetheart/Air Force veteran husband, Jeff. They have two grown children and one still in process. (Isn’t everyone, really?) Amidst the fun, challenges, and chaos, Annie encourages others to look upward with her and perceive God.
Connect with Annie:
https://www.facebook.com/AnnieYorty2020
https://www.instagram.com/annieyorty/
Thanks, Shirley, for the opportunity to share this message with your audience. Blessings!
So welcome! Hope many see and read. I saw you shared. Please share again if you like. Hugs, friend! Shirley